The frog princess
by Calafair
Summary: [CONTINUED] Pippin's in love ... with a frog.
1. Pippin and the frog

Disclaimer: The Lord of the Rings does not belong to me.

* * *

Pippin looks dreamily at a green frog on a lily pond.

"She's so beautiful ..."

Merry comes along. "Hey Pip! What're you doing?"

"I'm in love ..." Pippin mutters to himself.

"With who? Where's the girl?"

Pippin points at frog, "Isn't she beautiful?"

"Hell no! She's mean, green and ugly."

"Hey!" Pippin shouts, "She's actually a female hobbit changed into a frog by an evil wizard. When a person kisses her, she would change back into her original form."

"Where'd you hear that from?"

"It's an old Took legend." Pippin says proudly.

"I've never heard of such a thing!"

"Well, I'm going to kiss her now. If only she'll come closer."

Gandalf's singing sounds from afar.

"Hey, it's Gandalf!"

"Gandalf! Gandalf!"

"What is it?"

"Look, a frog!"

"What about the frog?" Gandalf asks.

"Pip says he's going to kiss her."

"Ah," said Gandalf, "I heard of a tale once. A girl lost her golden ring in a pond, and she asks a frog to help her retrieve the ring. It was said that if she kisses the frog, he will turn into a handsome prince, so she did."

"Who did the frog become?" Merry asks.

"Maybe it's Legolas!" Pippin exclaimed.

Gandalf shakes his head in a serious manner, "Gollum."

"WHAT?"

"Yes, yes, the frog became Gollum. The girl was so terrified she fainted and died. Gollum kept her ring, and it was his precious because it reminded him of her."

"You mean ...doesn't that mean Frodo destroyed the wrong ring?" Merry asks.

"What do you mean?" Gandalf asks. Then, his brain clicked. "Ahhhh! We destroyed the wrong ring! The one ring is still in Middle Earth!"

"Who was the girl anyway?"

"It was Sauri, Sauron's daughter." Gandalf replies.

"Oh, then it must be the right ring."

Gandalf nods, and smiles. "I almost had a heart attack."

"Anyway, Pip, are you still kissing the frog?"

The frog swims over towards Pippin. Pippin picks up the frog and brings his lips gingerly to the frog's mouth.

There was a blinding light.

And a female Uruk-Hai appeared.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	2. The Uruk Hai

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me.

Someone dared me to continue the story. So here I am.

* * *

"Oh Pippin DAAARRLING!" The Uruk-Hai says in a sexy voice.

"Get away from me, you ... you ... Uruk-Hai!" Pippin shouts.

"AHHH! Gandalf, do something!!" Merry screams.

Gandalf mumbles to himself while thinking of a plan. Meanwhile, the Uruk-Hai picks up Pippin and gives him a sloppy kiss on his cheek.

"AHHHHHHHH!" shouts Pippin, "She kissed me! AHH! I'm going to die. I'm going to get infected by a deadly disease, I'm going to faint ..."

Pippin promptly faints.

Uruk-Hai looks aghast, "No! What's wrong with my darling?"

Uruk-Hai puts Pippin gently on the ground and bends over him.

"What are you trying to do?" Merry shouted.

"He's fainted. I'm going to give him mouth to mouth resuscitation." Says the Uruk-Hai.

Merry shakes Gandalf's robe and urges him to do something. Gandalf continues to mutter to himself. The Uruk-Hai leans close to Pippin and opens her mouth.

"I'm going to save you now, darling." The Uruk-Hai says.

The Uruk-Hai brings her mouth closer to Pippin's and suddenly, his eyes snap open and the first thing that greets his eyes are the big red puckered lips of the Uruk-Hai.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

"OH Pippin Darling, you're awake!"

"Your breath pulled me back to consciousness." Pippin muttered and runs away from the Uruk-Hai.

Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam are on their way to visit Merry and Pippin. They see the Uruk-Hai.

"Don't worry Mr. Frodo. I'll get him."

Sam courageously runs to the Uruk-Hai and uses his pan to knock between the legs of the Uruk-Hai.

"It's no use!" Merry shouts, "It's female!"

Finally, Gandalf seems to be alive again. He grabs the pan from Sam and knocks the head of the Uruk-Hai. The Uruk-Hai yelled and fainted on the floor.

"Can I kill her now, Gandalf?" asks Pippin.

"The Uruk-Hai cannot be destroyed that way." Gandalf says and takes out a sword.

He drives the sword in and out of the Uruk-Hai's body.

"She's still breathing." Pippin shudders.

"Exactly. This is a problem I cannot solve. We need to seek to council of Elrond." Gandalf said.

"Excuse me Gandalf," says Frodo, "But are you suggesting that we lug this big unconscious thing to Rivendell?"

"Well, uh ... The four of you are pretty strong right?"

"Of course! I can carry many things at once." Sam boasts, "I remember the last time, I was carrying Mr. Frodo and ..."

"Shut up Sam!" Frodo scolds, "Or I'll make you carry the Uruk-Hai yourself."

"We could use the Middle Earth Express ..." Merry suggests.

"Middle Earth Express?"

"Remember the advertisement?" Merry asks.

* * *

Flashback of advertisement

An orc is shown sleeping and sucking his thumb. The audience then realizes that the orc is in a crate. The crate is on the back of an Oliphaunt. The camera zooms in on the label on the crate.

It writes: "Middle Earth Express. Delivers anything, anywhere."

End of flashback

* * *

"All right then!" Gandalf says, "Let's use that then."

"I heard it's not cheap ..." Pippin says slowly.

"You kissed the frog, you pay." The rest declares.

"But ... but ..."

"No buts," Gandalf says, "I'm going to call the company now. The rest of you, prepare to set off to Rivendell."

* * *

One day later in Rivendell ...

* * *

"A large package has arrived."

"Who is it for?"

"I wonder what's inside."

"Let me pass!" says a loud voice.

The elves gives way for Arwen, who stands in front of the package and peers at it curiously.

"It must be for me!" Arwen says excitedly, "A present from Aragorn! Yes, yes, it must be!"

Arwen tries to open the crate.

"Do you need help?" Asks an elf standing next to her.

"NO!" Arwen says, "It's my present! Mine! My own! My precious!"

Elf looks at her as if she is mad and backs away slowly.

Arwen finally opens the safety gadget on the crate and slowly lifts up the lid.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

TBC


	3. The chaotic council of Elrond

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me.

this chappie won't be as funny, i think.

* * *

Aragorn is happily riding with Legolas, Gimli, Boromir and Faramir when an ear splitting scream sounds through the whole of middle earth.

"Arwen!" Aragorn says in panic and ride away in the other direction.

The rest of his companions sighs.

"This is the six thousandth four hundred and ninety third time he's done this." Faramir complains.

"Good math," Boromir says

"Let me guess, Lady Arwen couldn't find her shoes." Gimli says

"I bet she saw a spider." Legolas says.

"Or an Uruk-Hai." Gimli chuckles.

AHHHHHHH!

* * *

Arwen continues to scream at the top of her lungs. The Uruk-Hai groans and sticks her hand outside the crate, places it on Arwen's shoe and presses it, thinking it is the alarm clock.

"Ahhhh!" Arwen screams, "That thing TOUCHED my shoes. Ahhhhh!"

The Uruk-Hai opens her eyes and slowly sits up.

"Where am I?" The Uruk-Hai asks.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Oh, so it's you making the noise." The Uruk-Hai says and walks towards Arwen, "You know, a long long long long time ago when I was still an elf, I used to be as pretty as you are. Even prettier I think."

Arwen stops screaming, looks into the Uruk-Hai's ugly face and punches her.

Uruk-Hai falls back into the crate. Aragorn arrives.

"Darling Arwen, are you all right?"

"Oh Aragorn." Arwen says in a sugary, honeyed, candied, sweetened voice, "I'm so glad you're here."

Arwen then points at Uruk-Hai vehemently, "SHE! She tried to kill me."

Aragorn unsheathes Anduril and walks towards the Uruk-Hai. Just as he approaches, the Uruk-Hai springs up from the crate and wrap her arms around Aragorn. "Hi Handsome!"

Arwen looks as if she's about to faint, "First Eowyn, now ..."

BOX! BOX! BOX! STABBITY STABBITY STAB!

* * *

One month later ...

* * *

Gandalf, Frodo, Sam, Pippin and Merry arrive in Rivendell.

"What took you so long?" Elrond asks angrily.

"Do our hobbit legs look very long to you?" Merry retorts.

Elrond turns to Gandalf, "You should have carried them!"

"Do you think I'm Sam?" Gandalf says, "And does my back look very strong to you?"

Elrond mutters incoherently to himself.

"Has the package arrived?" Pippin asks.

"Very much earlier than you did." Elrond replies.

"See, see," Pippin says, "We shouldn't have used the super duper express service! What a waste of my money!"

"That Uruk-Hai caused a lot of trouble." Elrond says.

"Like?"

"Like, seducing Aragorn, making Arwen so mad she tried to kill both the Uruk-Hai and Aragorn."

"WHAT?"

"The Uruk-Hai's locked up in her crate. Arwen and Aragorn are not talking to each other." Elrond said, "You must be tired. But if you think I'm going to let you rest after all that trouble, DREAM ON! Follow me now."

Everyone seat themselves. Those present are Elrond, Arwen, Aragorn (who's lying on a stretcher because Arwen tried to stab him), Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, Faramir, Gandalf, Merry, Pippin, Frodo, Sam, and random elves, dwarves and human. All of them are sitting in a circle. In the middle is a big table and a big crate lies there.

"Once again, a great danger threatens middle earth," Elrond says seriously.

Everyone starts talking at the same time. Elrond stands up, and looks at Pippin, "Would you please open the crate?"

"WHAT? ME?"

Under Elrond's fierce glare, Pippin reluctantly opens the crate. Everyone gasps at the sight of the Uruk-Hai.

"This Uruk-Hai was once turned into a frog and would forever remain thus, if not for Pippin, who kissed the frog." Elrond says.

"Fool of a Took," says Gandalf.

"You kissed a frog. WAHAHAHAHAHA!" Arwen starts laughing and slaps the table.

Unfortunately, the thing she slapped was not a table, but Aragorn's leg, which is set on a cast after being stabbed continuously by Arwen. Aragorn's face turns green, but he dares not scream aloud. Arwen continues slapping and slapping. Aragorn pukes blood and faints.

"What's worse, this Uruk-Hai cannot be killed. It is created in the fires of Mount Doom and only there can it be destroyed." Elrond continues.

"This sounds familiar," Frodo says.

The Uruk-Hai yawns and awakens. "What time is it?"

Pippin quickly hides behind Legolas' chair. The Uruk-Hai rises and looks around. Her gaze settles on Legolas.

"Oooh! Hunky elf!" She dashes towards him and puts her arms around him and is about to give him a wet slobbery kiss.

"Er ... excuse me miss Uruk-Hai, but isn't your lover supposed to be Pippin?" Legolas reminds.

"Oh ... oh ... you're right." The Uruk-Hai says, "I shouldn't be unfaithful. Too bad though, you're so kissable."

The Uruk-Hai spots Pippin, "DAARRLING!"

Pippin screams and runs away. Uruk-Hai runs after him. Both runs out of sight.

"We need someone to destroy the Uruk-Hai," Elrond says, "Frodo, will you do us the honour?"

"WHAT? AGAIN?"

"Well, you did a good job with the ring ..."

"Well, at least the ring was desirable, small and portable," Frodo says, "HELLO, that Uruk-Hai is huge, and NON-PORTABLE. You want me to DRAG her to Mordor? Or HANG her round my neck like I did with the ring?"

"At least nobody will try to steal the Uruk-Hai like they did with the ring," Elrond muttered, "considering her looks ..."

"I'm not doing it!" Frodo says, "Why me anyway? It's all Pippin's fault."

"True," Elrond says.

Pippin whizzes past them, the Uruk-Hai hot on his heels.

"Pippin!" Frodo shouts, "Elrond just chose you to be the uh ...Uruk-Hai bearer."

Pippin freezes on the spot. Uruk-Hai smiles in glee, picks him up and kisses him.

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TBC


	4. The Fellowship of the UrukHai

Dsiclaimer: The Lord of the Rings doesn't belong to me.

* * *

"Pippin can't go alone, of course," Elrond says, "He needs some companions."

Everybody start leaving the place.

"STOP!" Elrond commands, "Who volunteers to go with Pippin?"

There is total silence.

"Merry? Say something. You're my best friend." Pippin urges.

"Who says I'm your best friend?" Merry says.

Pippin starts to wail loudly, the Uruk-Hai hugs him and almost squeeze him to death, "Don't worry darling, I'll be your friend."

Pippin wails even louder.

"Well since nobody is saying anything. I choose ... Frodo ..." Elrond starts to say.

"WHAT? Why don't you go yourself?" Frodo says.

"Someone with high intelligence has to stay in Rivendell," Elrond says and continues, "Sam, Merry, Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Boromir."

"WHAT? AGAIN?"

"High intelligence? My foot!" Gimli retorts.

"Your foot stinks Gimli," Merry says.

"I'm old! I'm old! How can you make a poor old man travel on such a perilous journey." Gandalf protests.

"Look, this looks like history is repeating itself. And I DON'T WANT TO DIE TWICE!!" Boromir shouts.

Legolas tries to sneak away, but the Uruk-Hai shouts, "Look, the hunky elf is going."

Legolas glares at the Uruk-Hai and tries to catch hold of Pippin to strangle him. Pippin ducks and hides between the Uruk-Hai's leg and circles the Uruk-Hai to catch Pippin.

"Oooh. Why are you circling me?" The Uruk-Hai asks, "Don't tell me ... you've fallen for me. Ohohohohoho."

Legolas rolls his eyes. He rolled it too much and faints.

"Ooohh! Another one needing mouth to mouth resuscitation." The Uruk-Hai cries.

Gimli has to quickly drag Legolas away.

"Mr. Frodo, if you're going, I'm coming along too." Sam says.

"I don't want to go!" Frodo cries and starts stamping his feet.

"All of you have to go, whether you like it or not." Elrond says.

"I'll inform Strider he has to come along too." Pippin says.

Pippin walks over to Aragorn, who is still unconscious from Arwen's beatings. Pippin tugs at Aragorn's sleeves. Aragorn yawns and wakes up.

"Yes?"

"Elrond says you're coming with us to destroy the Uruk-Hai."

"WHAT? Look at my leg! Look at it! Does it look well to you? Does it? And you want me to go on some stupid errand??"

The Uruk-Hai sees that Aragorn is conscious, she walks over to him and puts her arms around him, "Oh, You're all right!"

Aragorn pushes the Uruk-Hai away, only to see Arwen holding a knife and having a demonic look on her face.

"AHHHH! I'll go! I'll go! I'm not staying in Rivendell!"

"I mustn't lose to Aragorn. I'm going too!" Boromir says.

"Since Aragorn is going, I'll go too," Legolas finally says, "He's going to be the done doing all the work anyway. No worries for me."

"HEY!" Aragorn shouts, "I'm not going anymore ..." Aragorn sees the glint from the knife, "I mean, I'm going!"

Arwen raises the knife and stabs it into Aragorn's left leg. (The one that was previously unscathed)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

"Why do you want to go on the journey with the Uruk-Hai? Do you like her better than me?" Arwen asks and the knife plunges down again.

Aragorn faints. Elrond has to quickly sedate Arwen and bring her to her room.

"Does this one need mouth to mouth too?" The Uruk-Hai says, looking eagerly at Aragorn.

Fed up, Boromir takes a plaster and plastered her mouth.

"Legolas is going. I'm going too!" Gimli said, "Can't let elves take credit for the destruction of the Uruk-Hai."

Pippin turns to Frodo, "Please go. Please please please. I'll give you anything you want. Pipe weed, money, a pretty wife, bananas, whatever. I'll give you anything."

"Did you just say bananas?" Frodo asks, "How'd you know I love bananas?"

"I'll give you all the bananas you want. You can eat it till you go bananas."

"Fine. Sam, we're going. I'm not the Uruk-Hai bearer anyway."

"I promised Bilbo I'll keep two eyes on Frodo," Gandalf says slowly, "Stupid! Why did I make such a promise! I've no choice but to go too."

"Only Merry is left. Merry, will you go?" Elrond asks.

"Puh-lease Merry. Go with us!" Pippin begs.

"Ok then." Merry says, "But you'll have to listen to everything I say during this whole journey."

"Ok, whatever." Pippin says.

"Ooooh! Finally my famous line!" Elrond says in excitement, jumping up and down and giggling, "You are officially known as The Fellowship of the Ring! Yay!"

"WHAT?"

"I mean ... the Fellowship of the Uruk-Hai."

The Uruk-Hai finally manages to peel the plaster away from her mouth, yowling in pain as bits of her moustache were stuck to the plaster.

""Where are we going anyway?" The Uruk-Hai asks.

"We're going to destroy y ..." Pippin starts to say.

"You and Pippin are going on a honeymoon. The rest here will be your escorts." Elrond quickly cuts in.

"A honeymoon? Oh Pippin, you shouldn't have ..." The Uruk-Hai's eyes misted with tears and she picks up Pippin and kisses him.

"I'm never going to kiss anyone ever again!" Pippin shouts, "Not even the prettiest hobbit in the Shire!"

TBC


	5. The dark dark cave

After setting out on an arduous journey (for Pippin, who's constantly being kissed by the Uruk-Hai) towards Mordor, the Fellowship seeks rest in a cave. Frodo and Sam are happily toasting bananas. Gandalf, Boromir, Gimli and Legolas are smoking, Aragorn is resting his poor legs.

Merry and Pippin are squabbling.

"Oh Pipppiinn!" Merry shouts, "Can you get my pipe please?"

"It's just next to you!" Pippin cries out.

"Remember what you promised? You'll listen to whatever I say during this journey! So… get my pipe!"

Pippin grumbles, picks up pipe and throws it to Merry.

"Oh Pipppiinn! I'd like something to drink!"

Pippin grumbles and gives him a drink.

"Oh Pippiin! Get me some food will you?"

Pippin grumbles and goes over to the Uruk-Hai.

"Yes?" Says the Uruk-Hai, giving Pippin a flirtatious smile, "I know what you want. The cave is dark, and there is this hot female before you. Oh you naughty hobbit!"

"NO!" Pippin screams, "Can you please knock Merry out for me?"

"Oh gladly!" The Uruk-Hai smiles, "I know you want a little privacy while we go about doing our … 'shady business' eh? Shall I knock out the rest too?"

"Just Merry please!" Pippin begs.

"Oh Pipppiin! Where is my food?" Merry urges.

The Uruk-Hai walks over and whacks him on the head. Merry passes out. The Uruk-Hai turns to Pippin, "Shall I douse the fire now? It will be truly dark…"

Before Pippin can say anything, the Uruk-Hai blows out the fire with a single breath. There is total darkness.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHY IS IT SO DARK? I'M SCARED OF THE DARK!"

"Who said that?" Gandalf asks, "Why, is it you Legolas?"

"AHHHHHH!" Legolas screams again, "It's pitch black!"

"Hohoho.." Gimli laughs, "You silly elf! I'm not scared of the dark!"

"Shut up you horrible dwarf!" Legolas shouts angrily and whacks the person next to him.

"AHHHH! SOMEBODY WHACKED MY INJURED LEG!" Aragorn screams.

"Opps… sorry, I thought you were Gimli." Legolas apologises.

Suddenly, there is light entering from outside. Eowyn and Faramir enter the cave.

"You know, I think there's too many people to do it privately and passionately?" The Uruk-Hai whispers (very loudly).

Everyone shouts "EWW!" at the same time.

"Faramir! What brings you here?" Boromir asks, "You're here to take over my duty right? I can't wait to get out of this place!"

"Eowyn wanted to come and help!" Faramir says.

"Yes," Eowyn says, "You men are useless when it comes to women. I shall handle this Uruk-Hai."

"GLADLY!" Everyone shouts at the same time and starts to leave the cave.

"WAIT!" Eowyn shouts, "With your help, of course."

Everyone enters back in and grumbles.

"WOW! You are so beautiful!" The Uruk-Hai says to Eowyn.

Eowyn flushes with pleasure, "Thanks! Hey, she's not as bad as I heard she was."

"You'll see …" Boromir mutters.

"Too bad I'm more beautiful than you are!" The Uruk-Hai says and laughs like a maniac.

Eowyn stares at the Uruk-Hai and resist trying to punch her in the face.

"Told you…" Boromir says.

"Oh, by the way, do you have a handkerchief?" The Uruk-Hai asks Eowyn.

"Yeah, what do you need it for?" Eowyn asks.

"See these men…" The Uruk-Hai says, pointing at all the men, "They are all looking at me lecherously."

The men all start coughing.

"As a vulnerable female," The Uruk-Hai continues, "I see a need to protect myself by veiling my face from other men… save Pippin."

Pippin feels faint. Gandalf catches him just in time before he passes out.

"Here you go!" Eowyn says with gritted teeth, giving the Uruk-Hai a HUGE tablecloth.

"I just need a handkerchief! Not something this huge!" The Uruk-Hai protests.

"It's ok!" Eowyn says, "With this, you can cover the rest of your … ur… voluptuous body."

"Oh, you think my body is beautiful too huh?" The Uruk-Hai grins, "But a handkerchief will do. It's not that bad to show off your body once in a while."

Eowyn quickly gives a handkerchief to the Uruk-Hai and goes out to lower her blood pressure. The Uruk-Hai veils herself up in a dainty manner that disgusts the rest.

At this moment, both Pippin and Merry groans and open their eyes. The first thing they see is a veiled Uruk-Hai. They stare at each other, stand up, hug each other and jump in joy.

A sudden gust of wind blows…. And the handkerchief is blown off. Pippin and Merry freeze on the spot and stare in horror at the revealed face of the Uruk-Hai.

Eowyn comes in. "You see!" The Uruk-Hai says smugly, "Men freeze in amazement at the sight of my face!"

"I'll go and get you another handkerchief!" Eowyn barks and goes out.

TBC

Pardon the humourless chapter and the terribly long update. I've been lazy. And Pardon the grammar, I normally write stories in past tense.


	6. The road to Moria

Pippin: Hello all!  
Merry: We're sent by the author  
Pippin: To tell you  
Merry & Pippin: Sorry for the terribly long update!  
Pippin: It's been a year you know!  
Merry: Yeah! Lazy author!  
Pippin: But she says to compensate for it…  
Merry: The author would…  
Pippin: MAKE THE URUK HAI JUMP OF THE CLIFF AND DIE A HORRIBLE MUTILATED DEATH  
Author: I didn't say that.  
Pippin: meekly okay. She didn't.  
Merry: She's just going to make the Uruk-Hai  
Pippin: …. Do …. Do…. She's going to make the uruk-hai do a …. a…  
Merry: Just let me say it. The Uruk-Hai shall be belly-dancing for you.  
Uruk-Hai: Hi you lovely readers! Behold my gorgeous body! starts shaking  
Pippin: Hey author, has it occurred to you that  
Merry: It's not a pretty sight?  
Merry & Pippin: (pukes)

* * *

Disclaimer: The Lord of the Rings doesn't belong to me.

* * *

"I think we should pass through Moria!" Gimli declares. 

Gandalf shudders, "I'm not particularly eager to meet the Balrog again."

"THE BALROG!" Sam cries out, "I have a fine idea! Maybe we could go there and sacrifice the Uruk-Hai to the Balrog!"

"Yeah! Let the Balrog drag her down to the pits of nevermore!" Gimli shouts in encouragement.

"And if one of us gets dragged down too?" Gandalf mutters to himself.

Pippin nods, "Hmm… yeah. Or maybe… she might even fall in love with the Balrog! Why don't you guys start mentioning how handsome the Balrog is so she gets interested? Then she'll seek him out for herself. "

"The Uruk-Hai and the Balrog," Frodo muses, "I wonder how their offspring would look like. No… NO…. NOOO… don't think about it Frodo. Don't think about it, don't think, don't think! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! My brain is polluted!"

Sam takes a pot of water and splashes Frodo on the head.

"Much better, thank you Sam," Frodo says, shaking his head, "Pass me my banana! I need to keep my mind off the …. AHHHHH! Don't start thinking about it again Frodo!"

The Uruk-Hai saunters over, "Hi! What are you guys talking about?" She bends down, stretches out her arm and catches the fleeing Pippin and gives him an affectionate kiss.

"The Balrog," Aragorn says. "It is rumored that the Balrog is a very handsome creature."

Gandalf shudders. Legolas nods affirmatively, "Some say it is even more dashing than I am."

Gimli snorts, "HAH! You weren't dashing to start with!"

"HEY!" Legolas shouts, "I am a very handsome and irresistible elf. I have many fan girls to prove it to you!"

The Uruk-Hai looks at Legolas from head to toe appreciatively and smacks her lips, "Mmm…. Yeah…. I think you're …"

"I'm UGLY! Yeah, Gimli, you're right! I'm so ugly it's unbelievable! I don't want to look into the mirror ever again!" Legolas quickly cries out and hides his face from the Uruk-Hai.

"About this Balrog guy…" The Uruk-Hai changes the topic, eager to talk about the handsome and mysterious dude.

"He is soo charming! Even men like Boromir are attracted, aren't you?" Faramir nudges Boromir.

"That's not… er… yeah… I love him!" Boromir declares flatly.

Eowyn nods vehemently, "I've always loved him all this while…"

Faramir notices with alarm that Eowyn is staring dreamily at Aragorn. He walks over to Aragorn and "accidentally" steps on his legs.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Are you alright?" Eowyn rushes to his side.

"He's fine!" Faramir says, "Let's go! Let's go!"

Faramir leads the party while Merry and Pippin continue to tell the Uruk-Hai about how the handsome Balrog has been attracted to no woman no matter how beautiful she is.

"I shall entrance him!" The Uruk-Hai declares.

* * *

"WOW! A hot spring!" Legolas shouts, "I can finally bathe!" 

"Why is there a hot spring here?" Boromir looks at the steaming bubbly water suspiciously.

"The water stinks!" Frodo complains, still munching on his bananas.

"I know! This hot spring must have come from the volcanoes. The stench must have been caused by sulfur from eruptions." Gandalf says, trying to look wise.

"It stinks like those rotten stuffs Gollum used to eat." Sam complains.

"It stinks like the Uruk-Hai," Pippin grimaces, "I wonder when the last time she bathed was."

"I bet you 80 years!" Gimli says.

"I say 160 years!" Legolas says.

"2000 years!" Gandalf shouts from the back.

"I say she's never bathed before!" Merry grins.

Pippin goes over to the Uruk-Hai, "Hi! I have a question."

"You naught little… I know what you want!"

"NO! I just wanted to ask you… when was the last time you took a bath?"

The Uruk-Hai looks at Pippin, silent for a moment, and then replies, "What's a bath?"

Pippin curses under his breath and walks back to the company. "Merry… I think you win."

"All of you have to go in and take a bath!" Gandalf shouts, banging his staff, "I don't care. It's just sulfur I daresay. And nothing can make all of you smell any worse than you already do anyway."

"I'll go change… behind the bushes…" Eowyn says reluctantly.

Faramir's eyes light up but Boromir drags him to where the rest of the men are.

"I'm glad we're men!" Aragorn says happily, "We don't need to go hiding behind bushes or any of those troublesome things."

"Yeah!" Legolas nodded as they all started to take off their tops.

SMACK. SMACK. SLUURRPP. MMMMM. SLURRPP.

"You know… I have this weird feeling that we're being watched …" Boromir says.

MMMMMMMMMM……

"Me too, weird isn't it?" Sam says.

YUMM………

"Could it be my imagination …" Gimli mutters.

SLUURRPPP….

"I feel like Sauron's evil eye is upon me once more," Frodo moans.

………………………………….

"WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?" Pippin shouts as he runs to the rest of the men.

The men look up and realise that the Uruk-Hai is licking her lips with pleasure as she takes in the sight. "Go on! Go on!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The men all run to the bushes.

"HEYY!" Eowyn screams, "What are you guys doing?"

"She stared at me!" Merry screams.

"I FEEL SO VIOLATED!" Gandalf sobs as he covers his bare upper body.

"Excuse me, Gandalf! But I don't think she was looking at that aged body of yours. I'm the one who should feel violated! My young wonderful figure… to be stared at so mercilessly…" Legolas moans.

"Why would she be looking at you?" Gimli shouts, "She was admiring my stout strong body!"

"Don't disgust me!" Boromir interrupts, "Nobody can resist me."

"Haven't you guys heard about the many women that fought over me?" Aragorn says.

"I'm pretty hot back in the Shire too, am I not Mr. Frodo?" Sam asks.

Eowyn clears her throat, "EXCUSE ME GUYS! Do you people actually like being STARED at by her?"

There is silence.

"But … bu… but…. I really do feel violated!" Gandalf sobs again.

"I think the one we should pity is Pippin," Merry says solemnly, shaking his head as if his dear friend had just passed away, "He is out there, sacrificing his mind and body, on a single minded mission to rid the world of evil."

The rest nods and observe a moment of silence for Pippin…

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Pippin's cries fill the air.

The rest shake their head in pity.

"I bet she's kissing him."

"Smothering him probably."

"Maybe she went beyond that…"

"Ugh… I shudder to think what …"

"HEELLLPP MEE! It's… It's… THE WATCHER IN THE WATER!"

The rest are alert immediately. Legolas grabs his bow and runs over to Pippin. Indeed, the watcher in the water with its many tentacles has emerged from the water. Legolas takes aim and shoots it straight into the creature's mouth.

It swallows the arrow.

"Oooh… that was delicious. Thank you! I think you just cured my indigestion." The Watcher in the Water wriggles its tentacles with glee, "I've been having stomach pains for days. It was terrible! Releasing those warm smelly substances into the water …"

Pippin blinks and stares deep into the water that he is half submerged in. The Uruk-Hai is oblivious to everything as she continues to swim around the water happily.

"SULFUR? SULFUR? WHO SAID THIS WAS SULFUR? "

Gandalf looks around as he dons back his clothes, "Oops?"

TBC

* * *

Pippin: We're here on behalf of the author again. She says sorry for this not very funny chapter.  
Merry: I think she's out of funny juice.  
Pippin: Don't talk to me about juice. I think of digestive juice, and then I think of me submerged in that water.  
Merry: Yuck. 


End file.
